300 (2007)

"This...is... SPARTA!"

plot: Three hundred Spartan soldiers, led by King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) defend their homeland against the seemingly infinite armies of Persians led by the bizarrely effeminate Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) in a stylized retelling of the legendary Battle of Thermopylae.

And thus, the official movie of Maxim magazine was born.

I kid 300. This was another movie I missed in the theaters, something that I will stop noting as that would be most movies, if not almost all. I really should have seen this one in the theater, however, as the visuals are the most impressive part. Plus, I would have been able to enjoy it without any weird icky feeling before the movie was adopted by the frat guys and bros the country over. This is a movie tailor-made for fans of other films like Gladiator and Braveheart. Perhaps even more so because the good guys are white dudes and the bad guys are Persians, which can be easily reinterpreted as Christian America versus Islamic Arabs. (Although I really don't think that was Zack Snyder's intent. As for the intent of the 20-year-old in a polo shirt and weather-beaten baseball cap... no comment.) Even without the political subtext, the movie is all about honor and glory and battle and bravery, which are bigtime dude subjects.

Unlike the last movie, I actually watched this before. Like the last movie, it took me over a year to do so. Once again, no real reason. I'm glad I got to see it at least on a big television before my most recent move forced me to subsist on a Macbook 13-inch screen.

Basically, this is a kick-ass movie. The characters are kick-ass. The dialogue is kick-ass. The action is kick-ass. You really only want to watch this if you're in a kick-ass mood, but don't particularly feel up to the physical task of kicking actual ass. This movie isn't going to change the way you look at life, it's not going to cause anyone to join the military, or at least I hope not. Speaking of the military, this would be a good movie to watch in some last stand situation, wherein a battalion is surrounded by a bunch of bloodthirsty, angry Arabs (you know, like all of them. Kidding!) and need to watch something to pump them up. A screening of 300, a blasting of "Welcome To The Jungle," and boom! you're ready to be a martyr.

As far as the actual movie goes, I liked it. It's hyper-stylized, and absolutely nothing like what I saw from Snyder during Dawn Of The Dead, but obviously his influence from this movie carried over to Watchmen. I think this is a fun action movie. That's all it was intended to be, and it succeeded. It's actually a bit better than most action movies. The character designs are visually interesting, with the bizarre Persian armies featuring ninjas with silver demon masks

and firecracker throwing mystics wearing beaded curtains a highlight. I would easily recommend this film to any heterosexual man who is not from the Middle East. Everyone else, proceed with caution.

Hey Leonidas, want to catch a marathon of Sex & The City?

Okay, never mind then.